Out with the Old, In with the New!!

There was a time when my "OLD" self lived in a shell, oblivious to many facts and blindfolded by trust. Or I now wonder , was it a cage? With a childhood full of love, I believed in tooth fairies and happily forevers. I rooted for love , true love. I believed in abundantly giving it away hoping it would eventually find me on it's way back. A peaceful night's sleep was my content self's best companion.I was in a good place, actually and really good. Huh!! Then what is life if it does not throw a curveball at you. I was ripped of all the misconceptions. Promises were broken. The path of love and trust led into betrayal and agony. I suddenly found myself surrounded by remains of hopes, crumpled dreams, broken pieces of heart and ashes of loyalty.I found out lying is the new truth and true love is just a quote. A good night's sleep seemed like a distant dream.I often found myself awake at 2 am crying, shaking and hoping the pain to end. I would desperately try to reason with the doubts of self worth.

When the person who you were building your life with, stabs you in the back and knocks down the building blocks, you are left all alone bleeding but still you keep trying to find the missing blocks. You are lost and now is the time when the masks fall off. You dont find your "good" friends anymore. You become the pivot of all break time conversations. You are called crazy. Your life turns into a sweet treat to all gossip mongers. Negativity haunts you, the farther you try running away from it. Finally, your soul is left crushed and you dont know if your dealing with pain, anger , hatred , self loathing or self pity. The turmoil never ends even with all those countless sleepless nights of crying, nightmares or days of not wanting to get out of bed, the incessant self questioning and what not.Yes, I was at all those places, but 'why' did it happen to me. I had no idea. Then one day, my friend asked me when was the 'deadline' of my mourning. It then hit me I never asked myself the question till 'when', instead I was so desperately looking for answers which do not matter anymore, I forgot about 'what next'. I was just stuck. It was like life just paused.

"When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny"- Paulo Coelho.

A week has passed away months back but I was just still there. I then decided to give my heart a little rest and open up my mind. I wanted to stand up again. I created a trash folder in my brain and dumped my past into it which I swore never to open. If I had a chance to replay my life, I would have done a lot of things differently but I would still have trusted in love. That is who I am. So I was done cursing myself for what happened. I didn't want my life reigns in the hands of someone anymore.I didn't want my past to hold my dreams hostage. I got behind the wheel and was determined to drive through this phase. I knew it was and is going to be a bumpy ride. Whenever I thought I was at the end of it I hit more than a few speed breakers, hair pin bends, tunnels but I didn't want to stop.

My baby steps towards future started with appreciating every small damn thing that could make me happy, from a beautiful flower or a soothing drizzle to my family and true friends who had my back, I started loving them all again.I felt alive. I felt I had so much more to live for than what I lost. Then there was a real game changer, the 'letting go' motto. I let go of my fears , anger, hatred, grief and all the possible negativity. I felt lighter. I started to smile. I then started to set one day goals. I just lived in the moment, letting it sink in, taking one day at a time and surprisingly very soon I started feeling productive. I felt good about myself after many days.I realised my worth. Self pity and loathing started to flee. The rock bottom I hit turned into a new stepping stone.I eventually moved to a new place, got into a new job , met new people. Finally I found my NEW self. Did I not cry anymore?? I cry, but not for someone, I cry because I let myself drown in this shit for so long. Did the sleepless nights end?? No, but I power through the next morning. Don't I have nightmares anymore??Yes, I do but I go back to sleep. I hear my inner strength saying push harder , a voice I have never heard of. I am a different person now. I am loving yet cautious. I trust but wisely. I believe but I know why. I started enjoying the ride. The light at the end of the tunnel seems very far away but now I know I will and can see it. Life taught me to keep my head high and ride against the tide. People go through worse, well that was my worst (touchwood).But, Yes, that was one hell of a ride so far which taught me never let your heart build walls because of your past instead build bridges and I am going to make it through this ride slowly but surely. I can now see my OLD self saying to my NEW self, " I am proud of you"!!